NEW YORK, NY — In a celebratory speech following his historic win in New York City’s mayoral election, Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani promised residents that there was no problem too large for government to make worse.
“I want to speak to all the foreigners out there. Not the whites, the brown people,” Mamdani said to raucous applause. “We will prove that there is no problem too large for government to make worse and no problem too small to stick our nose in.”
Making large problems worse was one of Mamdani’s primary campaign promises, and he seems eager to deliver. Crime was already a major problem in the city, as are housing affordability, transportation, sanitation, mental health, and homelessness. But, when Mamdani’s term as mayor begins in January, he told New Yorkers that they could rest assured that he would make them all worse.
“You might think there’s no way crime can get worse in this city, but you’d be very surprised. There is nothing I cannot ruin with the full weight of the government behind me,” Mamdani said. “For starters, I am going to implement all of my radical ideas and make starvation a key theme of my term as mayor. Then, if you’re all still alive in four years, I would invite you to re-elect me so we can finish the city off together.”
Failed Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa was seen shaking his head during Mamdani’s acceptance speech. “I actually wanted to save the city,” he said. “That was probably the biggest problem with my campaign. That, and the beret.”
At publishing time, Mamdani was preemptively given U-Haul’s New York Salesman of the Year award.
What happens when a politically divided family sit down for a “peaceful” dinner?
