Marriage Advice – The Catholic Thing

Next week, my wife and I will celebrate our 20^th anniversary. We were just out of high school when we first met – barely a year older than our oldest daughter is now. It’s enough to give even a somewhat cynical middle-aged man a case of feelings.

Mostly, though, I am grateful for all the unmerited blessings that have shaped our lives over the past two decades. As is always the case with gratitude, it moves one to share. So, it is in a spirit of gratitude that I presume to inflict on you, dear reader, a few unsolicited bits of advice about marriage from someone who has been at it for some time now.

Obviously, these nuggets are meant primarily for the young, but if there is any wisdom in them, I hope the not-so-young will benefit as well.

First: Marriage is not the mountain top; marriage is base camp. Perhaps it is because young people are getting married later in life, perhaps it is because Catholic dating (I’m told) is so fraught these days, but it seems more and more young people see marriage as a crowning achievement rather than a humble, albeit joyous, beginning.

And it’s not hard to see why: Years of discernment, education, formation, and career planning lead up to this biggest decision young people make. It is often the first decision young people consciously approach as irrevocable. They feel the tremendous weight of the decision and are painfully aware of the costs (which they see all around them) of getting the decision wrong. But the whole point of getting married is not to arrive in the married state, but to begin something new.

Which brings me to my second bit of unsolicited advice. Marriage – the grace of the sacrament – is for the spouses; the wedding is for everyone else. Everyone wants their wedding day to be special and memorable. And given what marriage means, that’s not a bad thing to desire. But there is also a temptation to make a wedding reception into some sort of ultimate and definitive expression of oneself.

When a man and a woman are bound together in marriage, the whole community rejoices. A new thing has come to be: not just a new bond between two individuals, not just a lasting bond between existing families and communities, but some thing entirely new. A new society has been formed, and the whole community recognizes and celebrates this. A wedding is a cause of joy for the couple, obviously, but for all of us, too. The party is, quite literally, a celebration of the common good. Don’t spoil that by trying to make it all about you.

Speaking of not making it all about you, here’s my third bit of advice. Cling to Christ; cling to the Sacraments. That’s good advice for everyone, but it is especially important for marriage. One of the most important “skills” in married life is learning to apologize and ask forgiveness. The Sacrament of Confession is particularly important. It forces one to be honest with oneself and with God. It forces us to own up to our failings, to be held accountable, to promise to do better, and then to strive to do just that. The devil loves a festering wound. Regular Confession not only heals sin before it has a chance to fester. It trains us to address our own failings honestly and early. This is an indispensable boon in married life.

The fourth bit of advice: The average age of first marriage in the United States is approximately 30 years. It varies a little bit for men and women – men tend to get married a bit later – but 30 is a fair approximation. The average life expectancy for Americans is about 80 years. Again, this number varies a bit for men and women – men tend to die a bit younger than women – but 80 is about the overall average.

Which means that if one gets married at 30, and lives to be 80, and everything goes as planned, one can reasonably expect to spend more than half of one’s marriage married to a spouse who is more than 50 years old. Choose your spouse accordingly.

Marriage will demand of you and your spouse more than you can reasonably be expected to handle. You will learn to handle it anyway. You will grow in courage through facing fears. You will grow in faith by depending on trust. You will grow in love by giving more of yourself than you thought possible.

Do not underestimate the advantages of starting a family while you are still young and dumb. Security is important; waiting until all the finances and education and career and everything else are sorted is often a mistake. Marriage is a risk two people take together. Expecting marriage to provide certainty in material things is asking marriage to do provide something it cannot.

On the flip-side, marriage does provide certainty in other ways. One knows precisely who one is living (and dying) for. That is, in my experience, one of the most liberating experiences of life. Marriage comes with an infinitude of challenges and uncertainties; but it also eliminates an infinitude of challenges and uncertainties. Commitment – irrevocable commitment for life – is incredibly liberating.

The same goes for children, I know many people who would love to have had more children. I know few (none really) couples who wish they had fewer. The change in life that comes with getting married pales in comparison to the change that comes with having children. That can be scary. It is certainly difficult. But raising our children is the single most rewarding and worthwhile endeavor my wife and I could have ever undertaken. It has made our lives infinitely richer and our marriage infinitely stronger.

Which brings us to my final and most practical bit of advice: Sleep is precious; buy the biggest bed you can reasonably afford. And always remember, the Lord provides.