U.S. — Ahead of Opening Day next week, Major League Baseball announced a new permanent rule where umpires who get more than 3 of their calls overturned over the course of a game will be jettisoned into the sun.
The new rule, called the Blindspot Rule, had a successful test run during spring training and will be carried over to the regular season, assuming there are still any umpires left alive.
“StriiiIIIII — AIEEEEE!” veteran umpire Sean Sparling screamed as he was hurled straight into the sun during Wednesday afternoon’s game between the Pittsburgh Pirates and the Kansas City Royals.
According to sources, jettisoning umpires into the sun is a purely symbolic gesture as they tend to die long before reaching the star at the center of our solar system. But, per MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, it was well worth the investment to generate enough propulsion to get their corpse all the way there. “They’ll never blow another call,” he said, seemingly relishing the thought of the human arbiters being vaporized in the fires of the sun. “And thanks to Elon Musk for helping to make this possible.”
Fans were initially dismissive of the new rule, concerned that it would remove the human element of the great game. However, upon seeing it in action, nearly everyone cheered as each erroneous umpire was jettisoned into the sun.
At publishing time, MLB was forced to move to an entirely AI-based judgment system after the remaining umpires refused to come to work.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
