GULF OF MEXICO — In a compromise intended to silence critics of the Trump Administration’s aggressive stance against drug traffickers, the U.S. Navy airdropped a public defender onto a drug boat to give cartel members due process.
After a previous strike on a boat of Venezuelan drug runners ignited a furious debate over the legality of such an action without a fair trial, orders were given for the Navy to go the extra mile and allow a defense attorney to parachute onto a suspected cartel vessel to provide legal representation.
“We’ve heard the outrage and we’re taking steps to do what’s right,” said Admiral Joseph Sternberger in a statement from the Navy. “To alleviate all of these arguments about foreign narcoterrorists being executed without ‘due process,’ we’ve adopted a policy of airdropping a public defender onto their drug trafficking boats to make sure we comply with whatever rights they are supposed to have. Or something like that. Whatever.”
One public defender who was pressed into service expressed mixed emotions about the job. “I understand the need for people to have their voices heard from a legal standpoint,” said attorney Richard Lantz. “But, I don’t know… what are the chances of a drone strike happening while I’m on the boat? That’s not likely, right?”
At publishing time, sources tied to the drug cartel said that the drug runners hoped that the legal representation would at least buy them enough time to make it to their destination so they could unload their cargo.
Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?
