Oh No! Russian Forces Invade Alaska While NORAD Distracted Tracking Santa

ANCHORAGE, AK – A military spokesman confirmed Wednesday that Russian forces launched a successful sneak attack on Alaska while everyone at North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) was busy tracking Santa’s sleigh.

“We never saw it coming,” said Major Chet Whiteson, commanding officer at NORAD. “We had 30,000 personnel all tracking Santa’s sleigh over Africa, which was pretty dumb now that I think about it. We probably should have had at least someone keeping an eye on the Russians.”

Sources on the ground in Alaska confirmed that the state was overrun with enemy forces and has officially fallen into Russian hands. An estimated 30,000 troops have already landed in the state, with thousands more on the way. The only reported resistance was from an angry moose just outside of town.

“All your base are belong to us,” confirmed a Kremlin spokesman. “While you dumb Americans were busy tracking Santa, we Russians were busy taking back our rightful land. That’s what you get for making us look dumb in ‘Stranger Things’ season 3.”

At publishing time, a shirtless Vladimir Putin was seen enjoying a Russian military parade down the streets of Anchorage while wearing a Santa hat.