UZ — In his latest attempt to tempt Job to lose faith in God, Satan has launched a devastating plague of injuries on Job’s fantasy football team.
Diabolical sources say that Satan’s plan to decimate Job’s football team with season-ending injuries ranks among the most painful sufferings that the devil has yet cooked up to make job’s life miserable.
“Why was I born to a life in which my entire fantasy football team would be utterly devastated by ACLs and shoulder sprains?” Job reportedly cried out, tears streaming down his face. “Cursed be the day I was born — how long must I endure the agony of seeing my carefully-crafted lineup annihilated by a slew of injuries? I have done no wrong, but my team is limping by with a bunch of fifth-round draft picks. Why, O Lord?”
Sources say that Job’s wife encouraged him to give up on the fantasy football league in despair, not because she wanted him to curse God and die, but because she had no idea why he was wasting hours every day checking the sports stats, what a fantasy football league was, or what the rules of football even were.
At publishing time, Job had accused his friends Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar of being miserable comforters after they tried to console him by offering him trade options on their best B-string quarterbacks.
Tony asks questions about everything in his life. Is he a crazy conspiracy theorist?
