As you’ve probably heard, there is a chimpanzee civil war in Uganda.
The Babylon Bee is here with what you need to know so you sound educated when the chimp civil war comes up in daily conversation:
Are wars between chimps common?
No. Usually, if chimps have a conflict, they solve it with a riddle contest.
What is the main point of contention between the factions?
The elite chimps are accused of rollerskating and smoking cigars, while the average chimp is stuck eating overripe bananas.
Who is really behind the war, though?
Israel, of course.
Have there been many deaths?
No people have died in it.
I meant chimps.
Oh yeah, lots of chimps.
Is there a possibility of peace talks?
Not really, as only one chimp knows sign language, and he’s kind of considered a dork for it.
Could chimps learning how to conduct war lead to Planet of the Apes?
Betting markets give only a 23% chance of that.
What will end the war?
Most likely, it’s one of the chimps figuring out how to say something nice about Trump, getting him to bomb the other side.
How can we prevent chimp wars in the future?
A really good folk song about how war is terrible… but filled with “ee ee ee” and “ooh ooh ooh” that chimps understand.
Steve and Timpani’s continued adjustment to all things Texas hits a speed bump when Timpani’s sister, Brittuni, arrives.
