The United States launched a major military attack on Iran overnight, striking dozens of high-level targets across the nation. As the dust settles, everyone is asking the question: what happens next? Here is what’s about to happen:
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The middle eastern countries will all line up and each side will pick teams: Poor Bahrain always gets picked last.
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Iran will unleash its promised retaliatory “rain of destruction and death never before seen by mankind”: Well, in the form of AI-generated videos, but nonetheless.
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A formal declaration of war will be presented to the United States Congress: That’s just how it works.
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President Trump will create a reality show to determine the next leader of Iran: Spoiler alert: Rubio’s going to win.
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Mayor Zohran Mamdani will dutifully sit by his phone all night waiting to be briefed: This is mission critical.
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Women will go shopping: It doesn’t really have anything to do with Iran, but it’s going to happen.
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The Pentagon will convene a meeting of frat bros to come up with an even cooler name than “Operation: Epic Fury”: Good luck, boys.
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Rand Paul will go whine somewhere: Probably K-Mart.
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Iran will throw a rock or something at an American base, and we will proportionally respond by turning the entire country into a desert: U-S-A! U-S-A!
Be prepared, folks.
Protect yourself from the modern day gestapo!
