NOTRE DAME, IN — After a thought-provoking roundtable discussion, theologians at the University of Notre Dame concluded that every meal in Heaven is most likely ice cream in a miniature baseball helmet.
“It makes the most sense,” said Dr. Albert Wilhelm, a professor of linguistics and church ethics. “The last time I was happy was when I had ice cream in a tiny baseball helmet. It stands to reason that it would be what we eat in Heaven.”
The theology faculty at Notre Dame, famous for its football team, was forced to admit that the simple pleasure of ice cream in a baseball helmet was peak comfort food. “Honestly, baseball is probably the only sport in Heaven, too. Football is vanity,” noted Dr. Benjamin Crest, professor of church history. “But that’s just my opinion. I don’t believe the pope would ever speak ex-cathedra on this matter.”
According to sources, the food itself is never described in the marriage supper of the Lamb described in Revelation 19. “It probably didn’t describe it because the first-century Christians wouldn’t have understood the pure majesty of ice cream in a mini baseball helmet,” Dr. Wilhelm said. “They wouldn’t have been able to fathom such an incredible meal. It probably would’ve broken their minds.”
“The Apostle John had no way to describe what he was seeing.”
Though there is much unity on the matter in the religious community, theologians remained divided on whether only vanilla ice cream with sprinkles would be offered or if there would be a variety of flavors.
At publishing time, Dr. Albert Wilhelm compiled his team’s notes into a book called That Which Does Not Melt: How Ice Cream In A Tiny Baseball Helmet Will Sustain Your Heavenly Body.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
