WORLD — The world’s leading theologians weighed in on the nature of Heaven this week, confirming what many have long believed: Heaven’s streets of gold will have no cyclists.
The belief that Heaven’s golden streets are strictly off-limits to bicycles is a tradition that stretches back to the very first century. In fact, theologians have long speculated that the Apostle Paul weighed in on the matter in the lost third letter to the Corinthians.
“There are no tears in Heaven, therefore there are no cyclists,” said Catholic theologian Dr. Erich Wenkler. “It’s simple logic. The Bible doesn’t need to spell it out for us to make that logical assertion.”
The new consensus had full support.
“I am in agreement with my colleagues. There is no bicycle lane on the streets of gold. There are likely no bicycles at all,” noted esteemed theologian Dr. Stephen Bolyn. “If there are any bicycles at all in the afterlife, it is my opinion they have been cast into the outer darkness for Satan to ride along the shores of the lake of fire as he awaits the day of judgment.”
Though theologically sound, this new position on Heaven appears to have given atheists more fodder to dismiss the very idea of God and eternal life.
“Christians can’t answer the problem of cyclists,” said the ironically named Aiden Christian, an avowed atheist influencer. “What if a cyclist dies and goes to Heaven? They don’t get to do the thing they love for all eternity? That’s not a loving God.”
But Calvinist theologian Dr. Daniel Sedgwycke has an answer: “Cyclists were never saved in the first place.”
At publishing time, many Christian denominations appeared to have sided with theologians on the matter, save the Episcopalians. “There is as much reason to believe cyclists ride on the streets of gold as there is that women can be pastors,” said Reverend Jane Shallow, herself an avid cyclist.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
