NEW YORK, NY. — As teams and fans alike gear up for the start of a new baseball season, to make games more fair, Major League Baseball will now have managers line everyone up and pick teams before each game.
Debate has raged over the competitive balance of the game, with pressure mounting for MLB to do something about big-market, high-revenue teams like the Los Angeles Dodgers and New York Yankees signing all the top players, resulting in leadership opting for a schoolyard pick’em format.
“We really hope this helps,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “We’ve heard all the calls for more parity in the league, and we discussed a wide range of ideas to bring things back into balance and give every team a solid chance to win on any given day. We ended up deciding that having the managers just line all the players up before the game and take turns picking would be the best option. If it’s good enough for 4th-grade recess, it’s good enough for Major League Baseball.”
Though analysts said there would likely be wrinkles to iron out in the new system, each game would be an exciting and unpredictable event. “Different rosters every game,” one expert said. “Obviously, the superstar players will always get picked first, but once you get a few picks in, all bets are off. Plus, everyone will get to laugh at whichever poor loser gets picked last, just like we did back in school.”
At publishing time, Shohei Ohtani had preemptively been picked first seven weeks before Opening Day.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
