U.S. — The Pentagon released a statement on Friday confirming a security breach by political commentator Tucker Carlson, who they said broke into a military hangar with the intent to slash the tires of all the Northrop B-2 Spirit bombers ahead of a perceived strike against Iran.
The former Fox News host allegedly disabled security with an EMP device provided by Qatar before choking out a guard to steal his keycard. After gaining access to the hangar, Carlson reportedly began slashing at the landing gear of various aircraft while evading detection by on-duty personnel.
The incident was only uncovered, sources said, after Carlson went on The Megyn Kelly Show later in the day to boast of his feat.
“They never found me because I am a slippery devil,” Carlson told a nodding Megyn Kelly. “I learned it from the demon who attacked me. My dogs were there. They barked. They never bark. It’s a true story, obviously.”
According to Carlson, he infiltrated the hangar because, “as an American”, he felt the duty to sabotage American plans before they could fly to the Middle East.
“Israel — and I don’t even care about Israel, like at all AHAHAHA — is forcing the U.S. to attack Iran, so I did what any patriotic American would do and sabotaged the mission,” Carlson explained. “B-2’s can’t take off with flat tires. And even if they did, they won’t be able to land again. I hope they all crash and burn, to be honest. Because I’m an American.”
At publishing time, Carlson was reportedly on his way to the Persian Gulf to protest the attack on Iran by gluing himself to the hull of a U.S. aircraft carrier.
Protect yourself from the modern day gestapo!
