MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The United States State Department issued an evacuation order for the U.S. embassy located in downtown Minneapolis on Friday, citing concerns over the safety of American citizens in the area.
In light of ongoing unrest in the Muslim world, the embassy advised all citizens to leave Minneapolis immediately as they began breaking down their own offices ahead of a final departure back to America.
“We’ve received multiple threats from Minneapolis narcoterrorist groups and believe it is in the best interest of ongoing diplomatic talks to abandon ship before someone tries to kill us,” reported Paul Mayfield, U.S. ambassador to Minneapolis.
According to President Donald Trump, this order was a long time coming. “There was never any hope in Minneapolis. What an absolute nightmare. It’s worse than Iran, if you can believe it,” he said. “And let me tell you, Iran isn’t looking so hot. Or, maybe it’s pretty hot depending on your definition. The whole place is on fire. What were we talking about?”
In recent weeks, there had been hope that tensions would ease after the withdrawal of ICE agents. However, dark forces in Minneapolis pounced on the diplomatic retreat, seeing it as an apparent weakness. They instead redoubled their efforts in persecuting Americans.
“The embassy is fallen. All is laid waste,” lamented Mayfield. “Would that I would only see that land again in my waking nightmares.”
At publishing time, President Trump had authorized an initial wave of airstrikes on Minneapolis.
The Iranian government has officially announced a new Supreme Leader.
