REDLANDS, CA — For eons, fathers have been sharing wisdom with their sons to prepare them for adulthood, but none have been as successful as local father Garrett Jackson, who reportedly prepared his son for life’s challenges by making him play Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!
“If you can’t beat Glass Joe, you should just give up on life now because it’s only getting harder from here,” Jackson told his seven-year-old son. “Look, he’s blocking his face! Punch him in the ribs so he can’t breathe!”
According to sources, Jackson was adamant that only the genuine Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! would do for training his child. “Don’t come at me with your ‘Mr. Dream’ nonsense,” he said. “I know they fight the same, but it means something to take out a champ. Mr. Dream is from Dreamland, and I don’t want my kid to think his accomplishments are as fake as that character. It’s got to be Iron Mike.”
Using Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! to train up a child in the way they should go is not a scientifically recognized method for child rearing, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. In fact, some experts say it could expose a child to unhealthy amounts of violence at a young age. Jackson, however, dismissed such concerns. “If the Spartans were still around, they’d play Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!, too, instead of making their boys hunt a wolf. I guarantee it,” Jackson said.
At publishing time, seven-year-old Keith Jackson was sent to bed without dinner after failing to beat Don Flamenco.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
