8 Simple, Foolproof Ways To Test An Athlete’s Gender

On June 30, the United States Supreme Court upheld the right of states to ban transgender athletes from competing in female sports. Now, the hard work begins to identify the trans athletes and ensure that women’s sports are protected from men forever. But how?

Here are 8 scientific ways to test an athlete’s gender:

1. Kick them in the groin: This ensures quick, accurate results.

2. Hand them a jar of pickles that you need opened: No amount of surgery or hormone therapy can remove a man’s latent ability to open a jar of pickles.

3. Test their DNA: If they are 1/1024 Native American, that’s Elizabeth Warren — who is a woman.

4. Hold up a painting of a ship caught in a storm at sea: If they become entranced by the image, lost in its majesty, they are a man.

5. Ask them what a credenza is: If they know, it’s totally a woman.

6. Jump out from behind a boulder and ask them if they’re a man or woman: If they run away screaming, they are a woman.

7. Watch them parallel park: An inability to park in this manner is a clear sign of womanhood, or that they are The Babylon Bee‘s Travis, a non-parallel-parking male.

8. Ask them where they want to go out to eat: No woman can answer in less than 2 hours.

These highly scientific tests to determine a person’s gender are foolproof. Know any other methods? Post them in the comments below.