U.S. — Americans all over the country celebrated the news that the national nightmare that had lasted for generations was finally over, as the United States Supreme Court outlawed candy corn.
In a landmark 8-1 ruling, the nation’s highest court almost unanimously declared the manufacture, sale, possession, purchase, and consumption of the substance known as “candy corn” to be illegal and unconstitutional.
“No nation can, in good faith, allow this horror to continue,” said Justice Clarence Thomas, who penned the majority opinion. “The United States was founded upon a certain standard of principles to promote common decency and adherence to the most basic sense of human morality. Candy corn clearly violates these principles on a fundamental level. It is neither ‘candy’ nor ‘corn,’ and therefore must be abolished with extreme prejudice.”
The lone vote against the ban came from Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson, who wrote a scathing dissent. “An assault on candy corn is an assault on democracy itself,” she said. “As a regular consumer of candy corn, I find it outrageous to be forced to defend its honor against a rampaging mob of tyrants and fascists. What about the candy corn farmers who will now be branded as criminals if they do not destroy their vast fields of crops? I fear for future generations of Americans who will be deprived of their God-given right to enjoy candy corn.”
At publishing time, it had been discovered that the “candy corn” that Justice Jackson had been eating all her life was, in reality, just cut-up pieces of wax candles, and she simply didn’t know what it was.
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