AUSTIN, TX — Local couple Tyler and Madison Hansen expressed grave concerns this week that having a baby might significantly disrupt the many hours a day they currently spend sitting three inches apart on the sofa staring at their respective iPhones in total silence.
The couple admitted concern over whether or not they’d have the time to properly care for a baby while still moving their thumbs slightly and staring.
“It would be a huge lifestyle shift,” said Tyler, while scrolling through 45-second clips of guys restoring rusty axes. “Little babies apparently need you to sometimes move from the couch and do things. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. This couch is pretty comfortable.”
Madison reportedly shared similar anxieties, noting that her current “me-time” of refreshing an Instagram feed of people she despises is a vital part of her daily life.”
“A baby requires a lot of engagement,” Madison sighed, momentarily glancing up from a “Which Bachelorette Are You?” quiz. “It feels like we’d be sacrificing our most productive years of life.”
At publishing time, the couple had decided to get a “practice dog” to see if they could maintain their TikTok time while occasionally feeding a beagle.
Steve and Timpani’s continued adjustment to all things Texas hits a speed bump when Timpani’s sister, Brittuni, arrives.
