UK Authorities Issue Stern Warning To British People To Stop Being Stabbed By Muslims

LONDON — In the wake of yet another deadly stabbing of a British citizen at the hands of a migrant, authorities in the United Kingdom issued a stern warning to all native residents to stop being stabbed to death by Muslims.

The latest horrific incident was just the most recent in an ongoing pattern of violence perpetrated by Muslim migrants, leading the British government to warn the public of dire consequences if they refuse to stop being stabbed by foreign invaders.

“All these people being stabbed need to knock it off,” said London’s Metropolitan Police Service spokesman Basil Hetherington. “We have simply had enough of this nonsense. If these individuals who keep getting stabbed and slashed to death by crazed, violent migrants don’t curb their disruptive behavior immediately, there will be severe repercussions. We cannot have these incidents continue to happen throughout our communities, and therefore warn all stabbing victims to stop being stabbed, posthaste.”

Rumors swirled out of Downing Street that the Prime Minister was prepared to hand down stiff penalties to any British citizens who were stabbed moving forward. “These people must be held accountable,” one source within Keir Starmer’s office said. “The stabbing victims, I mean. Refusal to stop being stabbed by Muslims and other migrants will be met with the most severe punishments allowed under the law. If they happen to survive the stabbing, that is.”

At publishing time, the UK authorities had issued a full public apology to the migrant perpetrators for any additional difficulties they had endured while carrying out their deadly stabbings.