U.S. — The installation of the Automated Ball-Strike System in Major League Baseball has left traditionalists longing for the days when games were decided by absurdly awful calls.
Baseball purists lashed out against the sudden reduction of egregious umpiring errors, wishing to again feel the utter rage of having a game’s outcome hinge on spectacular umpiring blunders.
“It just isn’t baseball anymore,” sighed traditionalist Samuel Peterson, watching another errant call being overturned. “All of these balls and strikes being called correctly, it’s not true to the spirit of the game. I’m worried new fans will never feel what it’s like to watch a game be stolen from your team by an umpire calling a strike on a ball that hit the dirt in front of home plate. That shock, sadness, and fury — that’s the true essence of the game.”
Several umpires expressed similar sentiments, pining for the days when they could rip the heart out of an entire fan base with one word. “Man, do I miss it,” said CB Bucknor. “I’m trying my best to keep it going, but it’s tough. Without walking off the field knowing I just crushed thousands of spirits at once with my incompetence, there’s a void there.”
At publishing time, baseball traditionalists had moved on to deriding players for starting to wear little sliding mitts to keep from breaking their fingers when stealing bases.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
