Bears Forced To Leave Chicago After Every Player, Coach, Fan Killed In Drive-Bys

CHICAGO, IL – The Chicago Bears organization announced today that it will be relocating out of the city due to all of its players and fans having been killed in drive-bys.

The Bears have been synonymous with the city of Chicago for decades, but the team was left with no choice as everyone associated with the organization was now dead.

“We are deeply saddened to announce this move. Every single person on the team fought hard to keep the Bears in Chicago. However, those people have all been gunned down in the street,” said Bears CEO Louis Dane. “The coaches, gone. Even the fans are all dead, which is really wild because you’d think a fair amount of the people committing the drive-bys would be Bears fans. Nevertheless, we are left with no option but to move to Indiana and try again.”

According to locals, the team has been losing several players a week to drive-bys over the past few years, but previously managed to plug the holes with new bodies. Unfortunately, with gang violence reaching new heights at the advent of summer, the attrition became too high to keep up. “The Bears always had that next man up mentality. It’s so critical to have that attitude when players go down with injuries or are killed en mass from drive-bys,” said local man Dennis Baldwin. “I hate that they were all murdered, even though I wasn’t a Bears fan. I mean, obviously I wasn’t, seeing as how I’m still alive.”

At publishing time, Chicagoans had bemoaned the fact that somehow the White Sox were still alive and playing.