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Report: White People Completely Unaffected By Jalapeño Recall
U.S. — A new report confirmed that white people remained totally unaffected after a massive recall was issued across the U.S. for contaminated jalapeños.Salmonella poisoning from tainted jalapeños struck hundreds of non-white people over the…
Top 10 Reasons To Move To California
With the population of California diminishing of late, we at The Babylon Bee are here to help turn the tide. Here are just ten of the many great reasons why you should turn that U-Haul around and head to the Golden State:Free smoke: Every year,…
Teenage Cashier Desperately Hoping Middle-Aged Man Will Start Up Small Talk With Her
ROANOKE, VA — Upon seeing a middle-aged man join her line, local 16-year-old grocery cashier Mandy Banks began desperately hoping that he would try to start up small talk with her. "Oh please, don't just pay and leave. Ask me what…
Study Confirms Humanity Groaning With Longing For More ‘Animaniacs’
CINCINNATI, OH — A new study from the Center for Television Research shows humanity is deeply yearning for creators to produce more of the beloved '90s cartoon Animaniacs.The longitudinal study, conducted over the course of five years and…
Man Unsure Whether Wife’s Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread Is For Toast Or Face
DALLAS, TX — Local husband Mark Higgins stood frozen in his kitchen Thursday morning, staring blankly at a glass jar labeled "Vanilla Honey Goat Butter Spread" while attempting to figure out if it belonged on his toast or his face.The…
Alaska Surrogate Battles to Keep Baby After Abortion Demand
What happens when a surrogate refuses to abort the baby she’s carrying? This week, Live Action News released an exclusive interview that shines light on a significant moral dilemma surrounding surrogacy: What happens when motherhood is…
Oh No: Your Female Coworker Just Learned How To Make A.I. Images
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Well, that's not good.Looks like your female coworker just learned how to use AI to make images. This is probably going to be the start of a lot of annoying Slack posts from her.It started this morning with an image of…
Abortion Pill Chemical Mifepriston Found in Drinking Water
The drinking water in two American cities contains mifepristone, the active ingredient in chemical abortions, a bombshell new study shows. Mifepristone is the first in the two-step chemical abortion regimen. It kills preborn babies by preventing…
Man Thinking Maybe He’ll Pass On Islamic Car Show This Year
MIAMI, FL — After a bit of reflection, local man Dave Christensen decided that perhaps it would be best to pass on this year's Islamic car show. Though he had attended the car show previously, held annually by a group of mosques,…
Catastrophe As Man Fails To Listen Closely Even Though Menu Options Have Changed
PEORIA, IL — Authorities advised all residents to be on high alert heading into the weekend, following a sudden catastrophe that resulted from a local man failing to listen closely even though the menu options had changed.Calling in to his…