U.S.
Scholars Agree Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak Signals Outpouring Of God’s Wrath On Vegetarians
CAMBRIDGE, MA — As a foodborne illness continued to sweep across the United States and strike fear into the hearts of the nation's populace, scholars agreed that the explosive diarrhea outbreak likely signaled the outpouring of God's…
Police Instantly Disperse ‘Teen Takeover’ By Firing Job Applications Into Crowd
CHICAGO, IL — Local police successfully dispersed the mob at a "teen takeover" event in the downtown area Friday night by firing thousands of job applications directly into the crowd.The incident initially involved hundreds of youth…
Uh Oh: Mamdani’s New NYC Map Includes ‘Little Auschwitz’ In Brooklyn
NEW YORK CITY — Concerns over Mayor Zohran Mamdani's "Immigrant Enclave Map" have grown after it was noted that the Mayor had added a "Little Auschwitz" in the middle of Brooklyn.Though several complaints had arisen over…
America Finally Interested In Soccer After Realizing How Angry You Can Make Europeans
U.S. — After years of ignoring the world's most popular sport, Americans finally took a keen interest in soccer after discovering how much it can irritate Europeans.With social media flooded by outraged Europeans crying about having to play…
Freedom 250 Now Just Lee Greenwood Singing ‘God Bless The USA’ For 24 Hours Straight
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Organizers of America's Freedom 250 celebration announced Thursday that the event has been streamlined to consist entirely of Lee Greenwood singing "God Bless the U.S.A." for 24 hours straight. "After…
Thousands Dead After New York Man Lowers Apartment Temp To 77 Degrees
NEW YORK, NY — Tragedy struck Friday afternoon, as thousands of people were reported dead after a New York man lowered the thermostat in his apartment to 77 degrees.Despite Mayor Zohran Mamdani's urging New Yorkers to keep their thermostats…
Nation Agrees To Let Biden Be President To Hear Him Attempt To Say ‘Semiquincentennial’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America was in for a treat this holiday weekend, as the nation agreed to allow Joe Biden to be president again for one day during the nation's 250th birthday celebration just to hear him attempt to say the word…
Ron Paul Scales Empire State Building To Unveil Flag Reading ‘End The Fed!’
NEW YORK, NY — Defying old age and government authorities, libertarian firebrand Ron Paul was spotted climbing to the top of the Empire State Building, where he unfurled a large banner that read, "End The Fed!"The 90-year-old retired…
Ron Paul Scales Empire State Building To Unveil Flag Reading ‘End The Fed!’
NEW YORK, NY — Defying old age and government authorities, libertarian firebrand Ron Paul was spotted climbing to the top of the Empire State Building, where he unfurled a large banner that read, "End The Fed!"The 90-year-old retired…
Sad: Woman Gives Birth On Border And Now Only Baby’s Top Half Is American
EL PASO, TX — Witnesses reported that a migrant woman gave birth right on the U.S.-Mexico border this morning, sadly making only the top half of the baby American.Sofia Perez had traveled all the way from Venezuela in an attempt to secure…