PITTSBURGH, PA — Local man Jeremiah Crisp took solace in the assurance that artificial intelligence would destroy all humanity in a fiery apocalypse before Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would have the chance to be elected president.
With the political winds continuing to blow AOC’s way, Crisp began to despair at the doom facing America, before happily remembering that everyone would soon be killed off by AI anyway.
“I was really starting to panic about where this country was headed,” explained Crisp. “Then I thought, ‘Wait a second. Won’t artificial intelligence have systematically murdered all of us before AOC wins in ’28?’ All my worries just melted away.”
According to friends, Crisp had now begun cheerfully sharing articles about humanity’s impending extermination. “Great news, guys. We’re closer than ever to being killed by our own toasters,” texted Crisp, sending a new headline to his group chat. “We can all rest easy. We’ve only got a year to live, two at most!”
At publishing time, Crisp had become nervous again after several AI companies vowed to work on producing a “kill switch” to stop the impending apocalypse.
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