U.S.
SCOTUS Rules Invading Xenomorphs Who Hatch On Earth Are Officially Citizens Of Earth
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In yet another surprising decision that divided public opinion, the United States Supreme Court ruled that invading Xenomorphs who hatch on Earth are officially citizens of Earth.In the controversial 6-3 ruling, Chief Justice…
Supreme Court Rules Any Baby Born At Olive Garden Is An Italian Citizen
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a narrow 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that any baby born in or within five yards of an Olive Garden restaurant is an Italian citizen.The ruling was met with skepticism from some Italians who…
For Trans Athlete Ruling, Supreme Court Invites Judge Matt Walsh To Author Opinion Explaining What A Woman Is
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In ruling on whether men can be women, the United States Supreme Court invited esteemed judge and noted woman expert Matt Walsh to author the majority opinion elucidating what, in fact, a woman is.Judge Walsh's guest…
Nervous Speaker At Pride Event Relaxes By Imagining The Crowd Fully Clothed
NEW YORK, NY — The speaker giving the keynote address at the New York City Pride Festival admitted that he pictured everyone in the audience fully clothed to calm his nerves.Though he often experiences anxiety before giving speeches, he later…
Woman Rules It’s Okay To Be Late
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A woman judge has ruled that being late is "totally fine."In one of the most predictable rulings in years, a lady judge wrote in the majority opinion that it's okay to run late because women might need to powder…
9 Cool Things To Do At The Obama Presidential Library
The newly opened Barack Obama Presidential Center contains so much more than documents from Obama's time in office; there are dozens of incredible, interactive exhibits for visitors of all ages.After taking an exclusive tour, The Babylon…
John Bolton Pleads Guilty To Failing To Store His Stolen Classified Documents In His Garage
U.S. — Former National Security Advisor John Bolton pleaded guilty in federal court this morning for failing to store stolen classified documents in his garage behind a Corvette.Bolton faces a maximum sentence of five years in prison and a fine…
Trump Unveils New Air Force One Helicarrier
CAMP SPRINGS, MD — At Joint Base Andrews on Friday, President Donald Trump unveiled the next Air Force One, a massive battle-ready airborne aircraft carrier, which he affectionately called a "Helicarrier."The intimidating mobile…
‘Now Witness The Firepower Of This Fully Armed And Operational Battle Station,’ Cackles Obama
CHICAGO, IL — Seated upon his spinning throne chair, a cackling former President Barack Obama invited guests to witness the firepower of his now fully-armed and operational battle station."Welcome. I've been expecting you," said…
U.S. Votes To Legally Adopt Freddy The German
U.S. — The citizens of the United States have overwhelmingly voted to legally adopt the World Cup tourist known only as "Freddy the German."Freddy, who has been documenting his road trip across the American South on social media, has…