U.S.
SCOTUS Rules Death Penalty Is OK For People Who Post ‘BREAKING’ And A Siren Emoji Before Every Tweet
U.S. — In a landmark decision sure to send shockwaves across the social media influencing sphere, the Supreme Court of the United States ruled that the death penalty is OK for people who post "BREAKING" and a red siren emoji before…
Trump Proposes Triumphal Double Golden Arch In Washington, D.C.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump unveiled plans on Thursday for the construction of a massive Triumphal Double Golden Arch in the nation's capital.The two arches were slated to be a yellow-gold color, representing the riches of…
The Somali Community Of Minnesota Would Like To Remind America That Today Is Tax Day
ST. PAUL, MN — Tax Day is here and Minnesota's vibrant Somali community would like to remind everyone that the deadline to file is midnight."Don't forget to pay your taxes!" announced Sarah Farah, a volunteer at the Minnesota…
In Dire Need Of Toilet, Artemis Lands At Buc-ee’s
LAKE JACKSON, TX — After nearly nine days without a fully functioning toilet, the crew of NASA's Artemis II mission changed course from splashing down off the coast of California and instead headed straight for a Buc-ee's.Artemis pilot…
NASA Starting To Think Stocking Shuttle With Chipotle Might Have Been A Mistake
HOUSTON, TX — With the toilet about Artemis II breaking for the second time, NASA began to wonder if stocking the shuttle with Chipotle may have been a mistake.With the crew being forced to resort to "collapsible contingency urinals",…
Supreme Court Denounces New ABS System That Says Whether They Decided A Case Wrong
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Similar to the reaction of umpires to Major League Baseball's adoption of its new "Automated Ball-Strike System" to challenge calls, the United States Supreme Court has denounced the new "Automated Bench…
Meet the Unsung Hero Who Makes Sure Every Space Mission Doesn’t Have a Stowaway Axe Murderer
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — Russell Patrick has been doing the same job for NASA for over 50 years, though he's gotten little recognition despite the essential service he provides."I don't need praise," Patrick says. "I just…
Supreme Court Begs Colorado To Please Just Be Normal For Once
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Supreme Court issued an official statement on Thursday begging the state of Colorado to please just be normal for once.After having to spend his entire day explaining to Colorado that therapists can tell a…
In Compelling Argument For Birthright Citizenship, Justice Jackson Eats Entire Stick Of Glue
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a persuasive argument in favor of maintaining birthright citizenship, Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson ate an entire stick of glue.The government counsel paused his oral arguments to watch in morbid fascination as Jackson…
Kristi Noem Asks Husband If There’s Anything He Needs To Get Off His Chest
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After scandalous photos surfaced online of her husband Bryon, former Department of Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem reportedly asked him if there was anything he'd like to get off his chest.Noem's marriage had…