U.S.
Mamdani Vows Retaliatory Strikes Against Bernie’s Kosher Delicatessen
NEW YORK CITY — In the wake of U.S. attacks on Iran, Mayor Zohran Mamdani has vowed to launch retaliatory strikes on Bernie's Kosher Delicatessen.Mamdani stated that after receiving a super-confidential briefing on the situation in Iran, he…
Mamdani Orders Flags At One World Trade Center Flown Half-Staff To Mourn Ayatollah
NEW YORK CITY — Mayor Zohran Mamdani has ordered all flags at One World Trade Center to be flown at half-staff to mourn the death of Ayatollah Khamenei.Breaking down in tears at the news of the Ayatollah's passing, Mamdani stated there was…
Tucker Carlson Sneaks Into U.S. Military Hangar To Slash The Tires On All The B-2 Bombers
U.S. — The Pentagon released a statement on Friday confirming a security breach by political commentator Tucker Carlson, who they said broke into a military hangar with the intent to slash the tires of all the Northrop B-2 Spirit bombers ahead…
Cruel: Trump Admin Strips Funding From Gas-Station Daycare Center With 20,000 Students
SHOREVIEW, MN — In the latest in a long line of cruel, heartless atrocities it has committed, the Trump administration has just stripped federal funding from a gas station daycare center with 20,000 students.According to Absame Dihoud, the…
Bold Right-Wing Truth-Teller Very Carefully Chooses Words So As Not To Speak Truths That Would Anger Own Audience
U.S. — Shockwaves were felt among the conservative influencer sphere this week, as one bold, right-wing truth-teller very carefully chose his words so as not to speak truths that could potentially anger his own audience.After deciding that…
Devastating: Black New Yorkers Unable To Shovel Driveways As None Of Them Have ID
NEW YORK CITY — With winter storms pounding the Northeast, black New Yorkers were sadly left unable to shovel their driveways as none of them have government ID.Thousands of black citizens stared helplessly at their cars buried in the snow,…
Trump Hires Team USA Goalie To Guard Southern Border
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's national security received a significant boost this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had hired the goalie of the U.S. men's Olympic hockey team to guard the southern border.Trump made the…
Man Horrified To Learn ICE Has Permanent Presence At His Hotel
SALEM, OR — A hotel guest caused quite the stir at a local Holiday Inn Express this week after discovering the presence of ICE at his hotel."Why is Holiday Inn aiding and abetting literal fascists?" said Marvin Pimmins, a concerned…
Tim Walz Emerges From Den To Declare 6 More Weeks Of Rioting And Fraud
ST. PAUL, MN — Governor Tim Walz has emerged from the den of the Governor's Mansion to declare that there will be six more weeks of rioting and fraud."We know this is all silly, but it's fun," said handler Marsha…
Finally: Newsom Announces Finished Construction Of High-Speed Rail Between His House And French Laundry
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Newsom announced today that construction has wrapped on the long anticipated high speed rail project, finally connecting his house directly to the French Laundry.Though many questioned if the $120 billion project would…