U.S.
John Bolton’s Mustache Agrees To Testify Against Him In Exchange For Immunity
GREENBELT, MD — A former Trump administration National Security Advisor's legal defense faced an uphill battle, as news broke that John Bolton's mustache had agreed to testify against him in exchange for immunity.The mustache made a…
Clarence Thomas Gently Explains To KBJ That Not All Black People Are Mentally Disabled, Just Her
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson claimed in court today that all black people are mentally disabled, Justice Clarence Thomas gently informed her that it's actually just her.Not wanting to embarrass Jackson in front of…
Exhausted Government Employees Hoping To Go Back To Work Soon So They Can Get Some Rest
U.S. — According to sources, federal employees are eager for the government shutdown to end so they can go back to work and get some real rest."Vacation is nice, but I'm always tired at the end of it and feel like I need a vacation…
Trump Retaliates For Peace Prize Snub With Picture Of The Nobel Committee In Sombreros
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Even one of the most revered institutions in the world found out that it was not immune to being trolled by the leader of the free world, as President Donald Trump retaliated for his peace prize snub with a picture of the…
Compromise: Trump Agrees To Designate Chicago Mayor’s House ‘ICE-Free Zone’
CHICAGO, IL - President Trump has graciously agreed to compromise with Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson, allowing for designation of an "ICE-free zone" in the Mayor's house.With the Mayor determined to create zones where illegal…
In Honor Of October 7, Mamdani Paraglides Into Campaign Event
NEW YORK CITY — New York City mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani paraglided into his campaign event today in honor of October 7th and the horrific atrocities committed by Hamas that day.Mamdani chose to pilot the same sort of paraglider that Hamas…
James Comey Produces Letter Signed By 51 Former Intelligence Officials Saying He’s Totally Innocent
ALEXANDRIA, VA — At his arraignment on charges of making false statements and obstruction, former FBI Director James Comey produced a letter signed by 51 former intelligence officials testifying to the fact that he's totally innocent.At his…
Governor Pritzker Activates 100 Battalions Of Illegal Immigrants In War Against ICE
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Seeking to ramp up his opposition force against the invasion of federal agents seeking to enforce the law, Governor JB Pritzker activated 100 battalions of illegal immigrants in Illinois's war against ICE.The governor…
With Government Shutdown Closing National Parks, Moose Forced to Find New Jobs
GRAND TETONS, WA — In a tragic displacement caused by the ongoing government shutdown of National Parks, moose across the country have been forced to find new jobs.According to one moose, nearly all of the moose formerly employed in the U.S.…
Chicago Mayor Hoping His ICE-Free Zones Work Better Than His Gun-Free Zones
CHICAGO, IL — As the city seeks to push back against President Donald Trump's efforts to enforce immigration law, Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson told his aides that he hoped their "ICE-Free Zones" would work a lot better than their…