World
Starmer Sets Up Commission To Respond To Attempted Beheading UPDATE: The Commission Has Been Beheaded
LONDON — According to sources, Prime Minister Keir Starmer set up a commission to discern how best to respond to the attempted beheading in Belfast. UPDATE: The members of the commission have been beheaded.Several prominent members of parliament…
Starmer To Irish: Let Us Not Bicker And Argue About Who Beheaded Whom
LONDON — Public uprisings in Ireland flared once again last night, as Irish citizens lashed out in anger following the attempted beheading of an Irishman by a Sudanese migrant, leading UK Prime Minister Kier Starmer to ask the Irish not to…
Keir Starmer Warns UK About Rise Of Murdererphobia
LONDON — Amid controversy stemming from the latest high-profile stabbing incident that took the life of a British citizen, Prime Minister Keir Starmer warned the United Kingdom about the rise of murderphobia.While the populace has grown…
10 Irrefutable Proofs Russia Is Better Than The U.S.
Sociological experts and podcasters agree: Living in Russia is far superior to living in the United States. From their pristine subways and plentiful grocery stores to the clearly secure and not-at-all-suspect way they hold elections, Russia is…
Brits Wish There Were Some Kind Of Ranged Weapon That Shoots High-Velocity Ammunition To Protect Them From Knife Attacks
LONDON — As deadly stabbings continued to run unchecked across the United Kingdom, British citizens wished there were some kind of ranged weapon that shoots high-velocity ammunition to protect them from knife attacks.Facing frequent violent…
Satan Takes Credit For Raisins
HELL — Satan confirmed this week that he was, in fact, responsible for raisins.Speculation had run rampant for thousands of years of human history regarding the origin of the alleged "dried grapes," but the Father of Lies held a press…
Canadian Grandma Excited To Hear Her Family Is Paying To Hire A MAID
CALGARY — One elderly woman was convinced that her life was soon going to change forever, as the Canadian grandmother expressed excitement after hearing that her family was preparing to hire a MAID.Betty Martin, an 80-year-old woman who lives…
The Babylon Bee Has Obtained A Leaked Copy Of The Iran-U.S. Peace Deal
News broke this morning that the United States and Iran have agreed to the framework of a peace deal, and our investigative team here at The Babylon Bee has managed to secure a leaked copy. Here, presented for the first time anywhere, are the…
UK Authorities Issue Stern Warning To British People To Stop Being Stabbed By Muslims
LONDON — In the wake of yet another deadly stabbing of a British citizen at the hands of a migrant, authorities in the United Kingdom issued a stern warning to all native residents to stop being stabbed to death by Muslims.The latest horrific…