ONTARIO — Famed hitman and coin-flipping enthusiast Anton Chigurh announced this week that he had been hired by the Canadian government to help out with their assisted suicide program.
The program, called MAID, which touts itself as a way to help people “die with dignity,” had come under fire in recent months for using loose restrictions to qualify people for death. Some citizens were even reportedly suicided against their will, making the job a perfect fit for Chigurh.
“I’m the best there is, no need to hire anyone else,” Chugurh said in a written statement. “I just ask them to call it heads or tails, and then no matter what the answer is, I give them the cattle killer. It’s simple, really. Business is great. There are many Canadians in need of my services. But not as many as there used to be.”
The hitman and existential philosopher admitted that the new role was a dream job and he was excited to put his unparalleled skill set to good use.
“The Canadians, they think as I do. Life is cheap, no one is special, everyone is a good candidate for murder… I mean-assisted suicide.”
Chigurh was put to work immediately on a backlog of moderately sick old people and younger people who came down with a slight case of the blues. He tackled his tasks with his signature cold, calculating, ruthless sociopathic personality — a trait held in high regard by the Canadian government.
At publishing time, Chigurh had told the Canadian government it was probably going a little overboard with all the killing.
Senator Mitch McConnell isn’t doing too many interviews these days, but The Babylon Bee’s Travis got the opportunity to sit down with the man, the myth, and the legend himself.
