Disney Hoping To Revive Star Wars So They Can Kill It Again

BURBANK, CA — Following a precipitous fall at the box office for The Mandalorian and Grogu, reports circulated that Disney executives called an urgent meeting with Lucasfilm to come up with a plan to revive the floundering Star Wars franchise so they could kill it again.

After watching the new movie fall to third place behind small-budget indie horror films Backrooms and Obsession, Disney reportedly scheduled an emergency meeting with the top executives from Lucasfilm to brainstorm strategies to get Star Wars back on track and give the corporation a chance to completely wreck it again in the future.

“We need it to be healthy and successful so we can destroy it,” said Josh D’Amaro, new CEO of The Walt Disney Company. “We’ve put a ton of money and other resources into purchasing and absolutely annihilating Star Wars over the last decade and a half, so it’s of the utmost importance that we do whatever is necessary to resuscitate the IP so we can kill it again later.”

Lucasfilm leadership was said to be on board with the plan. “We’ve done it once, so we know we can do it again,” President and CCO Dave Filoni reportedly said at the meeting. “We’ll work hard to get it back up and rolling again before we infest it with progressive ideology and lackluster storytelling to run it back into the ground.”

At publishing time, rumors indicated that Lucasfilm was prepared to bring back all the fans’ most beloved legacy characters so they could once again kill them off one by one in meaningless ways in favor of newer, underdeveloped characters.