Hockey Ticket Holders Issued Refund After No Fights Break Out

ANAHEIM, CA — Disappointed hockey fans were issued a full refund for their tickets after zero fights broke out during the game.

The game, which featured four lead changes and a game-winning slapshot in overtime, was labeled a “total loss” as the final buzzer sounded without any player getting his teeth punched in.

“What a waste of time,” said local fan Mark Finnigan. “This isn’t figure skating, people. All they did was skate around and try to shoot the puck into the net. That’s not hockey. Total snooze-fest.”

The National Hockey League issued an official apology to the fans as well as an immediate refund to all ticket holders. “We deeply apologize that not a single player had his jersey tugged over his head and got the daylights beat out of him,” said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman. “This is not representative of our league and what we stand for. We promise that our athletes will never again show that level of emotional maturity during a game.”

At publishing time, the NHL had given all affected fans a free ticket to a minor league hockey game where at least one player is always guaranteed to leave the game via ambulance.