John Bolton Pleads Guilty, Sentenced To 5-Year Imprisonment At SeaWorld

SAN DIEGO, CA — According to breaking news reports, John Bolton agreed to plead guilty to one count of illegally retaining classified national security information in exchange for only serving five years confined to a walrus exhibit at Sea World.

Bolton, a former national security advisor to President Donald Trump, was indicted last year on 18 charges of illegally transmitting classified information and the unlawful retention thereof — crimes previously unheard of for a walrus.

“Walruses don’t have thumbs, but Bolton really surprised us all,” said DOJ representative S. Phillip Magerthy. “Now he can never hurt America again.”

Though complete terms of the plea agreement are currently being withheld from the public, it’s believed Bolton will avoid having to appear as a guest on Sea Lions Tonight!, a live variety performance featuring sassy sea lions accompanied by a local stand-up comedian.

Bolton previously denied all allegations against him and insisted on proving his innocence in a court of law. However, experts suggested that the appeal of living among his own kind in a Sea World habitat with unlimited fresh fish to eat may have motivated him to reconsider.

“This is a nasty agreement, and it never should have happened,” said President Trump in a post to Truth Social. “Bolton should be behind bars, not behind reinforced glass in a comfortable, temperature-controlled environment. He is a TRAITOR! He is not a good American and a terrible walrus! Thank you for your attention to this matter!”

At publishing time, Bolton had been placed in a separate pen from the other walruses for threatening to leak their secrets to the penguins.