Like Genghis Khan Gazing Over His Empire, Man Watches As Fixed Sprinkler No Longer Waters Driveway

OGDEN, UT — As the great Khan once stood admiring the vast reaches of his empire, so local man Philip Bauer stood this morning, watching as his freshly-repaired sprinkler no longer watered the driveway.

Bauer gazed for several minutes over the 0.2 acres of land, surveying that piece of earth over which he was now the undisputed master.

“Behold, the work oy my hands,” thought Bauer, drinking it all in. “It is a happy and peaceful realm that I am lord of. I imagine this is what Caesar felt as he walked about Rome.”

Neighbors say the 43-year-old man had battled the rogue sprinkler for nearly six weeks, enduring countless humiliations as streams of water soaked Amazon drivers and neighborhood children. Yet today, Bauer at last stood with his head held high. His wife and children came and paid him homage, basking in his glory and wisdom.

“What can’t you do?” exclaimed Mrs. Bauer, swooning at his presence. “Look how perfectly the sprinkler rotates. All hail Philip!”

At publishing time, Bauer had reportedly begun considering whether he might now try fixing the sprinkler in the backyard that sprays directly into the neighbor’s kitchen window.