U.S. — The United States is reportedly on edge following a leaked report that indicated an American soldier placed a $50,000 bet on Polymarket predicting that President Donald Trump would nuke Iran.
While the website markets itself as the “world’s largest prediction market,” observers have noted that it has become a gambling site where anything goes — including nuclear war.
Though Polymarket refused to disclose the identity of the soldier, citing company policy, insiders speculated it was an individual of substantial rank who would have intimate knowledge of an impending nuclear holocaust.
“You’re not going to place a bet like that unless it’s a sure thing,” said George Hobbs of Oklahoma City, a self-proclaimed prophet and doomsday expert. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some looting to do.”
Meanwhile, Hector Chavez of Irvine, CA, had his own take on the news. “We’re all going to die, yo!” he said.
Unfortunately, it seems the growing panic across the country was here to stay. When a reporter asked President Trump for his assurances that he would not be nuking Iran, he only said, “Why would I tell you that? What a stupid question. You are a terrible reporter, really. Who are you with? MS Now? I don’t even know what that is.”
At publishing time, the U.S. economy was now booming thanks to a surge in demand for fallout shelters.
California transplants Steve and Timpani try to be the perfect Texas hosts for Brittuni’s visit, but Steve quickly realizes he needs a sensible vehicle now that he’s about to become a dad.
