National Weather Service Announces Everyone Is Going To Die Tonight Or Absolutely Nothing Is Going To Happen, One Of The Two

SILVER SPRING, MD — The National Weather Service issued a weather alert on Monday announcing that tonight, everyone is going to die, or absolutely nothing is going to happen, but it’s definitely one of the two.

Americans across the country checked the forecasts for their areas and were surprised to see a much more honest prediction of the weather that warned them of either imminent doom or just a normal evening.

“For years, we’ve been criticized for predicting a light drizzle when it turns out to be a Category 4 hurricane,” Chief Meteorologist Bob Hansen said. “But tonight? We are entirely confident about what’s going to happen. Either a catastrophic, apocalyptic event will strike the populace, obliterating all human life in the region, or it will be a mildly overcast Monday night with a high of 72. There is zero room for error here.”

The NWS urged citizens to prepare accordingly by either hoarding canned goods and making peace with their Creator, or simply enjoying a leisurely walk around the neighborhood with their families.

“One of those two things is going to happen,” Hansen assured the public. “So, be prepared. Either have all your affairs in order and be ready to meet your grisly end, or sit back and have a nice, quiet night on the deck. One of those.”

At publishing time, local news stations were already running 24-hour red-alert graphics that alternated between a flaming skull and a graphic of a smiling cartoon sun.