Satan Takes Credit For Raisins

HELL — Satan confirmed this week that he was, in fact, responsible for raisins.

Speculation had run rampant for thousands of years of human history regarding the origin of the alleged “dried grapes,” but the Father of Lies held a press conference on Tuesday to take full credit.

“Ooooh, yeah. That was me,” the Prince of Darkness said. “I did that. Those little tiny BBs of gritty, overly sweet nastiness? Yep. Totally me. I thought about what I could inflict on the Earth and its inhabitants that would unleash maximum frustration and disgust, and it just sort of came to me.”

The Devil admitted to reporters he spent years trying to think of something that would be more universally hated, admitting that he originally tried to come up with an odious snack, something like dried seaweed, but realized that the hippies had cornered that market years ago.

“Then one day it came to me: let’s take grapes, which everyone loves, and dry the heck out of them, and then sell them in little boxes and market them as healthy snacks. It was a devilish idea, if I do say so myself. Pun very much intended.”

Satan said it was also he who came up with the idea to put raisins in oatmeal cookies and make them look like chocolate chips.

“Yes, yes, that was a good one. No one even saw it coming. I still can’t believe I pulled it off.”

At publishing time, Satan had also taken credit for mosquitos, people talking on their speakerphones in public, meetings that could have been emails, and The View.