Supreme Court Rules Any Baby Born At Olive Garden Is An Italian Citizen

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a narrow 5-4 decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that any baby born in or within five yards of an Olive Garden restaurant is an Italian citizen.

The ruling was met with skepticism from some Italians who worried that many might use the new law to engage in what is referred to as “birth tourism” and would flock to the popular restaurant chain to quickly have a baby on the floor of the facility and then head back home with a new Italian citizen as part of their families.

“This sets a dangerous precedent,” said one legal scholar. “There is a very real chance that pregnant women will now flock to Olive Garden locations even more than before, simply to give birth in an attempt to have their children gain all the rights and privileges of Italian citizenship. Which, as everyone knows, means free salad and breadsticks for life.”

Chief Justice John Roberts, who wrote the majority opinion, said this was the logical decision. “This ruling upholds many years of settled law,” he said. “For decades now, anyone who has entered an Olive Garden has done so in pursuit of the Italian dream of never-ending pasta bowls. Children born within the borders of the restaurants are entitled to living out that dream, alfredo sauce and all.”

At publishing time, Olive Garden executives warned that the influx of children being born at Olive Garden restaurants would result in an inevitable breadstick crisis for future generations.