‘The New York Times’ Updates Slogan To ‘All The News That’s Fit To Print Plus Any Rumor No Matter How Implausible’

NEW YORK, NY — The New York Times, one of the country’s most venerated newspapers, announced it was adapting to trying times by changing its longtime slogan to “All the news that’s fit to print plus any rumor, no matter how implausible.”

The change came on the heels of a report about Israeli rape dogs, confirming that the newspaper was willing to run with any wild and unsubstantiated report about Israel, regardless of how ridiculous it may seem to sane, logical human beings.

“We want to make it clear to readers we’re the place for all the important news,” said The New York Times owner Bob Times. “We will vigorously fact-check anything we put in our paper… except for insane, scurrilous rumors and anything related to Israel. In those cases, ‘some guy named Omar said it’ is good enough for us.”

The owner went on to detail how rigorous their standards are for all news, though they’ll leave Israel as a place they can just turn off their brain and not even apply basic logic to what they report. “We check and double check everything — except for ridiculous stories and anything on the subject of Israel, where people just want to hear bad things about it and don’t want facts or common sense intruding.”

He later said the newspaper would use official sources, like Hamas, in their reporting on Israel where they can, but that the important thing is having the paper be a reliable source for all important news outside of Israel and on Israel, containing absolutely everything you’d hear in a rant from a demented transient on the street.

“We have to be careful, though,” the owner said in a low whisper. “I hear the Jews control the media. At least, that’s what we’re reporting.”

At publishing time, the source of The New York Times report on Israeli rape dogs was confirmed to be a cat.