U.S. Back In World Cup After Trump Deports Belgian Team

U.S. — The United States Men’s National Team was officially placed back in the World Cup after President Donald Trump ordered the deportation of the entire Belgian team.

Just minutes after Belgium had apparently eliminated the U.S. from the tournament, ICE agents acting on Trump’s orders arrived on the pitch and began detaining the Belgian players.

“Look who we caught smuggling in illegal waffles,” said Trump, displaying pictures of the handcuffed Belgian team en route back to Europe. “They’re not sending us their best, Belgium. Gang members in their matching outfits, hiding tons of waffles under their big socks, with a clear intent to distribute. Not on the watch of your favorite president, which means America is now in the World Cup quarterfinals, if you can believe it. First time in history, that’s what I’m told. Never happened under the Democrats, who don’t even cheer for America, not even on its birthday, which is so terrible.”

According to officials at the Department of Homeland Security, the Belgian team came under suspicion shortly after advancing to the Round of 16. “We became aware shortly thereafter that the Belgian team had entered through customs without properly declaring the waffles and waffle batter hidden on their persons,” said Agent Mark O’Leary. “These criminals directly violated immigration code section 4, article 6, which states that ‘No persons shall enter the United States carrying undeclared baked goods, no matter how delicious, without proper customs disclosure.’ Our ICE agents acted with the utmost professionalism, waiting until the end of stoppage time to arrest the criminals.”

At publishing time, DHS had reportedly received several tips that Spain’s team may have smuggled in illegal empanadas.