Weakling French Declare ‘Hottest Day Ever’ When It’s Only 40 Degrees

PARIS — The weakling French population dramatically declared that today was “the hottest in history” despite local forecasts showing the temperature to be a mere 40 degrees.

Facing weather that most Americans would take on with a hoodie, the pitiful French warned that hundreds of people across the country could perish.

“Forty degrees is jacket weather, and they’re literally dying. Classic France,” said Georgia native Mark Hamilton. “Boo-hoo! Look at me, I’m French! I’m having a heat stroke because it’s barely over freezing! Bunch of losers.”

French officials urged citizens to remain indoors, avoid unnecessary exertion, and drink extra fluids to combat the 40-degree temperatures. “I don’t understand how a population this soft has survived so many centuries,” said Ambassador Charles Kushner. “Forty degrees isn’t that far removed from needing gloves and a toboggan. They’re out there dropping like flies, proclaiming the apocalypse. It’s embarrassing.”

Emergency cooling stations were established throughout Paris, where overheated residents were reportedly being revived with tiny battery-powered fans, cucumber slices, and existential despair.

Meanwhile, tourists from Texas were said to be wandering the streets in jeans, asking hotel staff whether the air conditioning was broken because “it finally feels nice outside.”

At press time, the French government had officially raised the national weather alert level from “Oh là là” to “Zut alors!”