HOLLYWOOD, CA — Though The Super Mario Galaxy Movie may be doing well at the box office, critics blasted the film for its flimsy plotting and not making Yoshi bisexual.
The sequel racked up positive reviews from audiences despite failing to impress critics with what they described as a “thin story” and a “lost opportunity to teach children about variant sexual lusts.”
“It’s basically a jumbled mess of cameos,” said movie critic Isaac Keller. “Plus, it felt like a waste of the character Yoshi to not make him bisexual so he could make out with Toad and educate children on LGBTQ issues.”
This sentiment was echoed by fellow critic Darla Perry, who described the story as “threadbare” and added, “After the first movie played crossdressing for laughs instead of empowerment, it really felt the sequel could have improved by giving a Luigi six-minute-long coming out scene.”
These criticisms were a near consensus among professional critics, who lambasted the movie for being devoid of both “plot” and “gayness.”
Regular moviegoers seemed to be more positive about the movie, as many parents described the movie as being “harmless fun” and having no “weird stuff,” though it was unclear what “weird stuff” they were referring to.
At publishing time, critics expressed hope that a potential third installment of the franchise would course-correct by revealing Princess Peach has been a lesbian all along.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
