Sports
Protestant Quarterback Throws Beautiful Hail Christ Alone Pass
SAN DIEGO, CA — A local protestant quarterback in a competitive amateur spring league made waves this week after throwing a beautiful Hail Christ Alone pass for the game-winning touchdown.The amateur football league is small but growing, and…
Olympic Curlers Give Final Salute As They Are Lowered Into Carbon-Freezing Chamber Until Next Winter Games
MILANO — As the 2026 Milano Cortina Olympics came to a close, athletes from various nations participated in the traditional send-offs for their respective sports, with the Olympic curlers being lowered into the carbon-freezing chamber until the…
U.S. Hockey Team Melts Down Gold Medals to Replace Missing Teeth
MILAN, ITALY — Following their victory over Canada, the US Olympic Hockey Team has continued celebrating by melting down their gold medals to replace all their missing teeth.According to various members of the team, over 3 dozen teeth were lost…
To Make Games Fair, MLB Will Now Have Managers Line Everyone Up And Pick Teams Before Each Game
NEW YORK, NY. — As teams and fans alike gear up for the start of a new baseball season, to make games more fair, Major League Baseball will now have managers line everyone up and pick teams before each game.Debate has raged over the competitive…
WNBA Players Vow To Continue Missing Lay-Ups Until ICE Withdraws From Minnesota
U.S. — In a touching display of solidarity amid widespread conflict in American cities, WNBA players issued a joint statement announcing they had vowed to continue missing lay-ups until ICE withdraws from Minnesota.The statement, co-signed by…
Pro Athlete Struck By Lightning After Failing To Thank Jesus Christ For Victory
U.S. — Tragedy unfolded at a sporting event over the weekend, as a professional athlete was struck by lightning after unexcusably failing to thank Jesus Christ for giving his team the victory in the game.The traumatic incident occurred following…
College Team Credits Football Championship To Discipline, Teamwork, $370 Million
MIAMI, FL — The Indiana Hoosiers credited their shocking college football championship victory to discipline, teamwork, and the $370 million spent buying their roster."We couldn't have done it without sticking together as a team,…
To Save Time, Journalists Now Only Reporting On Any Free Agents The Dodgers Did Not Sign
U.S. — To improve efficiency with their time management, sports journalists covering Major League Baseball announced that they would now only report on any free agents the Los Angeles Dodgers do not sign to their team.A new industry mandate from…
The Official Babylon Bee NFL Playoff Betting Guide
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NFL Announces Each Quarter Of Playoff Game Will Be Broadcast On Different Streaming Service
U.S. — In its ongoing effort to make watching football as difficult as possible, the National Football League announced today that each quarter of the playoff games will be exclusively streamed on a different streaming network.For today's…