U.S.
Federal Judge Orders National Guard To Shoot Pepper Spray In Own Eyes
U.S. — In a brave act of judicial resistance to Trump's executive tyranny, District Judge Karin Immergut has ordered the National Guard to shoot pepper spray into their own eyes.Immergut, who is a first-term Trump appointee according to…
Sad: With New Military Fitness Standards, Your Mom Unable To Join Military
U.S. — Amid the news that Secretary of War Pete Hegseth had revised the fitness requirements for all armed forces personnel, one unfortunate side effect that may have gone unnoticed was the sad reality that the new military fitness standards…
Nation Erupts In Celebration As Government Finally Shuts Down
U.S. — Celebrations have erupted all across America today as the federal government has actually shut down.Tears poured forth from overjoyed citizens as the government finally closed its doors after years of devastating close calls."I…
Entire Federal Workforce Replaced By Very Tired Marco Rubio
U.S. — The entire federal workforces has officially been replaced by a noticeably fatigued Marco Rubio With the federal government funding expiring at midnight last night, President Trump tapped Rubio to step in to fill the shoes of all 750,000…
10 Changes Hegseth Is Making To Military Health Requirements
New military fitness standards were all the buzz today, as Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that all personnel would be expected to meet higher criteria moving forward. But what, exactly, will be required?The Babylon Bee has obtained the…
Pete Hegseth Hires Hans, Franz To Get Generals Into Shape
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Facing an alarming health crisis across the U.S. military leadership, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced on Tuesday that he had hired legendary fitness trainers Hans and Franz to get all the top generals into shape.After…
Mormons Respond To Attack By Continuing To Be Amazingly Kind To Everyone
GRAND BLANC, MI — Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints responded to the tragic attacks on one of their locations by continuing to be nice and friendly to everyone they met."Gosh, this really boils my blood," LDS…
‘We Don’t Need Help Against Antifa,’ Announces Portland Mayor Currently On Fire
PORTLAND, OR — Despite urgent pleas from the public to address the chaos unleashed on the city by radical leftist terrorists, the mayor of Portland downplayed the threat of Antifa and announced that the group that had just lit him on fire was…
There Is No “Gentle” War: Why Fighting Evil Requires Unflinching Resolve
One of the great illusions of our age is the idea of a “gentle war.” Western commentators, international organizations, and much of the media cling to the fantasy that evil can be confronted politely, terrorists neutralized without collateral…
Nation Not Really Clear Why Comey Being Indicted But Pretty Sure He Deserves It
U.S. — Americans were not quite sure what former FBI Director James Comey had been indicted for, but they felt very sure that he deserved it.Most of the nation did not know if indictment details had even been released, but didn't really…