U.S.
Metropolis Sues Superman For Reducing Crime
METROPOLIS — A new scandal threatened to arise between governing officials and Earth's greatest superhero, as Metropolis sued Superman for being far too effective in reducing crime in the city.City leaders were outraged that the Last Son of…
Beyond Meat In Financial Trouble After Public Learns Real Meat Exists
EL SEGUNDO, CA — Shareholders were briefed at an emergency meeting to address swirling rumors, as vegetarian alternative manufacturer Beyond Meat was reportedly in financial trouble after the public learned that real meat exists.Though the…
11 New Artifacts Trump Ordered The Smithsonian To Display
In addition to ordering a comprehensive review of the Smithsonian museums to root out "wokeness," President Donald Trump has reportedly provided the institutions with a list of new items to display instead.The Babylon Bee has obtained…
Man Tells Subway Worker He’s Looking For Something With Stopping Power That’s Compact And Easy To Conceal
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An unidentified man at a local Subway location was seen asking the Sandwich Artist on duty if they had a sandwich that has good stopping power that's also compact and easy to conceal.The customer arrived at the restaurant…
JB Pritzker Joins Police Force In Hopes Of Getting Sandwich Thrown At Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Illinois Governor JB Pritzker reportedly joined the fray as a law enforcement officer in the nation's capital in hopes of getting a sandwich thrown at him.Sources said the governor sprang into action today after hearing…
Puzzled DC Police Chief Asks Reporters, ‘What Is This Black And White Car That Goes Wee-oo Wee-oo?’
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A press conference to update the media on the department's ongoing efforts to rein in crime following President Donald Trump's threat to federalize the city was briefly interrupted today but a loud noise, leading DC…
Vigilante Justice: Trump Dresses Up As Bat And Patrols Streets Of DC
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Left without other practical options in a city overwhelmed by violent crime, President Donald Trump reportedly decided to dispense vigilante justice by dressing up like a giant bat and patrolling the streets of D.C.Following…
DC Mayor Warns Trump’s Crime Fighting Measures Will Unfairly Impact Criminals
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the announcement that the president had ordered the federalization of law enforcement in the nation's capital, Washington, D.C., Mayor Muriel Bowser warned that Trump's crime-fighting measures would…
The Stark Choice: America Must Lead on AI and Keep a Watchful Eye on China
Artificial intelligence is the defining contest of the twenty-first century, not just for economic advantage but for the soul of global governance and individual liberty. The US and China have each charted bold, competing visions for AI’s future…
Trump Orders Census Takers Not To Count Anyone Wearing Sombrero
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As part of an initiative to obtain a more accurate count of the nation's population, President Donald Trump ordered U.S. census takers not to count anyone wearing a sombrero.After decades of suspicion that population…