U.S.
Toddler’s Magnetic Tile House Listed For $280K On Zillow
PHOENIX, AZ — Local toddler Carver Brett struck it rich earlier today after the magnetic tile house he built during naptime got listed on Zillow for $280,000.Sources say that Brett's creation was listed for a total time of 35.78 seconds…
Walz Reminds Nation Not All Somali Rapists Are Bad People
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people."I'm…
Trump’s 2025 Spotify Wrap Reveals He Listened To ‘God Bless The USA’ 160,000 Times
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Americans received further proof that their president remained laser-focused on nothing but leading the country, as Donald Trump's Spotify Wrap revealed that he listened to "God Bless the USA" 160,000 times this…
TSA Warns Anyone Who Doesn’t Acquire A Real ID Will Be Sent To Line Manned By Creepy Kevin
SPRINGFIELD, VA — As the Department of Homeland Security sought to tighten security across the board for travelers around the country, the Transportation Security Administration announced that anyone who doesn't acquire a Real ID by the…
Minnesota Added To Trump’s Third-World Travel Ban
U.S. — In addition to preventing people from entering the United States from various nations around the world, the White House revealed on Tuesday that Minnesota had been added to President Trump's third-world travel ban.The additional…
Hegseth Halts U.S. Demand For Illegal Drugs By Drone Striking Hunter Biden
U.S. — In a shift from addressing the issue of foreign narcotics trade by attacking cartel boats, Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he had halted demand in the U.S. for illegal drugs by drone striking Hunter Biden.Hegseth held a press…
‘That Ukraine-Russia Peace Deal? I Brokered It. Me!’ Marco Rubio Tells Everyone At Thanksgiving Kids’ Table
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sources at the White House say that Marco Rubio spent a full hour and a half telling the other little guys at the Thanksgiving kids' table how he himself brokered the Ukraine-Russia peace deal.According to sources, Rubio…
Trump’s Strategy Of Hiring Lawyers Based On Bust Size Not Working As Well As Anticipated
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump's seemingly bulletproof strategy of choosing lawyers exclusively based on bust size has not worked out nearly as well as anticipated.Trump was left befuddled this week as the administration suffered a…
Trump Reminds Americans To Give Thanks For Him This Holiday
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a thoughtful Thanksgiving address, President Trump reminded the American people to give him thanks this holiday season."My fellow Americans, you have a lot to be thankful for this year and it's all thanks to me,…
Chicago Judge Hoping 23rd Time Is The Charm For Rehabilitating Violent Criminal
CHICAGO, IL — A Chicago judge ruled this week that a man previously arrested 23 times for various crimes would be totally rehabilitated if let off the hook this time around.District judge Madeline Cartwright let 42-year-old serial robber,…