U.S.
Devastating: Black New Yorkers Unable To Shovel Driveways As None Of Them Have ID
NEW YORK CITY — With winter storms pounding the Northeast, black New Yorkers were sadly left unable to shovel their driveways as none of them have government ID.Thousands of black citizens stared helplessly at their cars buried in the snow,…
Trump Hires Team USA Goalie To Guard Southern Border
WASHINGTON, D.C. — America's national security received a significant boost this week, as President Donald Trump announced that he had hired the goalie of the U.S. men's Olympic hockey team to guard the southern border.Trump made the…
Man Horrified To Learn ICE Has Permanent Presence At His Hotel
SALEM, OR — A hotel guest caused quite the stir at a local Holiday Inn Express this week after discovering the presence of ICE at his hotel."Why is Holiday Inn aiding and abetting literal fascists?" said Marvin Pimmins, a concerned…
Tim Walz Emerges From Den To Declare 6 More Weeks Of Rioting And Fraud
ST. PAUL, MN — Governor Tim Walz has emerged from the den of the Governor's Mansion to declare that there will be six more weeks of rioting and fraud."We know this is all silly, but it's fun," said handler Marsha…
Finally: Newsom Announces Finished Construction Of High-Speed Rail Between His House And French Laundry
SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Newsom announced today that construction has wrapped on the long anticipated high speed rail project, finally connecting his house directly to the French Laundry.Though many questioned if the $120 billion project would…
Experts Warn Arresting Journalists Could Be Slippery Slope To Arresting Politicians And Other People Who Deserve It
U.S. — Self-proclaimed journalist Don Lemon was arrested on Friday for allegedly raiding a church service and intimidating its congregation, prompting experts to warn that such actions taken by the DOJ could be a slippery slope that leads to…
ICE Getting So Scary That Illegal Immigrants Thinking Of Leaving U.S.
U.S. — Immigration and Customs Enforcement has become so scary that many illegal immigrants are reportedly considering leaving the United States.Several illegal immigrants reported that the current environment of people getting arrested for…
Foul-Smelling Substance Used In Spray Attack On Ilhan Omar Identified As Somali Food
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — The malodorous substance sprayed on Representative Ilhan Omar at a town hall meeting has been identified as Somali food.A man seated on the front row of the town hall suddenly rose and began shouting at Omar midway through the…
Want To Resist ICE? Here Are 12 Things You Can Do Today
Is Trump's Gestapo getting on your nerves? Looking for ways to show support for undocumented Americans by standing up to federal law enforcement? You're not alone. Rest assured, there are things you can do to show you're part of…
Too Cold To Start Civil War Right Now, Nation Agrees
U.S. — The bitterly divided nation has finally agreed on one thing: it is just way too cold to start a civil war right now."Yeah, I'm not going out in this," said one American who otherwise would've been preparing to take up…