World
Gay Ayatollah Excited After Receiving DM From Cute Guy Jamesmohammed O’Keefibad
TEHRAN — According to U.S. intelligence sources, Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei couldn't believe his luck when he received a DM from a cute guy by the name of Jamesmohammed O'Keefibad.The pair met on the Iranian version of Tinder, which is…
Kevin The Janitor Now Most Senior Military Official Left In Iran
TEHRAN — Following the latest round of U.S. and Israeli airstrikes in the country, Kevin, the janitor at the Office of the Supreme Leader, was officially recognized as now being the most senior military official left in Iran.Over the last few…
8 Coolest Perks Of Becoming The New Ayatollah
The hottest job on the market right now is being the Iranian Ayatollah, but why is everyone suddenly buzzing about it? Here are just eight of the most incredible perks that come with being the new Supreme Leader:Neat hat that can easily hide a…
Kim Jong-Un Wins Over Populace With His Charisma, Experience, And Ability To Shoot You In The Face If You Don’t Vote For Him
PYONGYANG — History was made once again in the small but proud nation of North Korea, as longtime leader Kim Jong-Un's political party claimed victory by winning over the populace with his trademark charisma, experience, and ability to…
Iran Update: Current Tax Dollars Winning Battle Against Tax Dollars From Three Years Ago
TEHRAN — After three weeks of fighting in Iran, current U.S. tax dollars are steadily defeating U.S. tax dollars from three years ago.The current tax dollars appear to be more coordinated and technologically advanced than previous tax dollars,…
Trump Lures Gay Ayatollah Out Of Hiding With Cardboard Cutout Of David Hasselhoff
TEHRAN — At President Donald Trump's direction, the U.S. military successfully took out Iran's new gay supreme leader by luring him out of his bunker with a cardboard cutout of Baywatch star David Hasselhoff.As part of Operation Hot…
9 Clear Signs The Ayatollah Is Gay
In addition to reports that he was seriously injured in airstrikes at the onset of the U.S.-Iran conflict, new rumors arose this week that the newly chosen Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, is also incredibly gay. Upon further investigation,…
Ayatollah Disappointed To Learn 72 Virgins Awaiting Him In Paradise Are All Women
TEHRAN — With rumors about his sexual preferences circulating amid the ongoing military conflict ravaging his country, the new Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei was reportedly disappointed to learn that the 72 virgins awaiting him in paradise were all…
‘Merely A Flesh Wound!’ Says Legless Torso Of Iranian Ayatollah
TEHRAN — The legless torso of newly-appointed Ayatollah Mojtaba Khamenei assured the world that the loss of his legs in battle was "just a flesh wound"."Tis' but a scratch," declared Khamenei as aides carefully balanced…
Tragedy: New Ayatollah Dead After Being Accidentally Left Out In Rain
TEHRAN — The newly-minted Supreme Leader Mojtaba Khamenei tragically died this morning after being accidentally left out in the rain.As an unseasonal rainstorm blew through Tehran, horrified Iranian officials suddenly realized they had left…