U.S. — Democrats were deeply saddened to learn today that America isn’t actually as racist as they thought it was.
With news breaking this morning that many apparent racists were actually just undercover instigators paid millions of dollars by the Southern Poverty Law Center to pretend to be racist, Democrats were left crushed.
“There are way fewer racists in America than we thought. It’s simply awful,” said Democrat Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. “I am personally devastated to learn that no one really cares about the color of other peoples’ skin. Learning that these instigators were doing this for cash, and not because they really hate black people – it’s a bitter pill to swallow.”
Several of the people who were paid to act racist issued apologies to the Democratic Party. “I’m very sorry that I don’t actually hate people with dark skin,” said one man in an anonymous statement. “I apologize for letting the Democratic Party down by not harboring real prejudice in my heart. The SPLC paid me a fortune to act like I wanted to join the Klan, and I really needed the money. I promise to do better.”
At publishing time, the Democratic Party had asked if perhaps they could take over paying those people to keep acting racist.
California transplants Steve and Timpani try to be the perfect Texas hosts for Brittuni’s visit, but Steve quickly realizes he needs a sensible vehicle now that he’s about to become a dad.
