TEHRAN — The Iranian government has officially announced a successor to Ayatollah Khamenei, introducing today the new Supreme Ayatollah, Tucker Carlson.
Ayatollah Carlson will immediately take the helm as the foremost political leader for the longstanding Muslim theocratic dictatorship.
“All bow before Ayatollah Carlson. Praise Allah!” cried Iranian government officials as Ayatollah Carlson took the stage. “Truly, Allah has chosen Ayatollah Carlson to end the scourge of infidel Christians in our land once and for all. No one loves jihad more than he. Praise Allah!”
In his opening address, Ayatollah Carlson confirmed that he will continue the hard-line Islamic extremism of his predecessor. “I inherited such clean public transportation and well-stocked supermarkets from my predecessor,” said Carlson. “Rest assured, if I too must kill 32,000 civilians to keep it that way, I will not hesitate. In order to keep this nation so peaceful and tranquil, we will conduct the most terrible jihad the world has ever seen.”
At publishing time, Ayatollah Carlson had introduced his new Hezbollah liaison, Megyn Kelly.
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