Report: Heat Wave So Intense The French Are Considering Wearing Deodorant

PARIS — According to locals, the current heat wave in France had become so severe that French citizens began considering wearing deodorant.

Though deeply resistant to all measures of personal hygiene, the stench of armpit sweat had reportedly become so overwhelming that the French were beginning to waver.

“The smell! Oh la la! Maybe it is time we break down and get the, how do you say, Old Spice,” said local man Antoine Fournier. “I draw the line at air conditioning, but perhaps the deodorant is not so bad. I am choking on the odor, it is almost becoming a solid at this point. I am afraid I may have no choice.”

Witnesses reported that a number of Frenchmen had cautiously approached the antiperspirant aisle in the pharmacy, weighing their options. A few citizens even attempted a trial deodorant out of desperation, though they did not know how to apply the product. There have already been multiple reports at nearby hospitals of intractable vomiting due to Frenchmen eating an entire deodorant stick.

Government officials urged calm, insisting that France’s cherished tradition of smelling awful would survive the heat wave. “We are asking citizens not to panic,” said one spokesman. “Please, hold your noses, and keep a level head. Do not give in to the temptation of deodorant. Once autumn arrives, we may all unplug our noses and safely return to the smell of damp, moldy baguettes wrapped in gym socks.”

At publishing time, the crisis had reportedly become so dire that a handful of Parisians were even seen taking two showers in the same week.