life
Mall Santa Prepares For Seasonal Gig By Cutting Off Ankle Monitor
BLOOMINGTON, MN — With Thanksgiving nearly here, local man Chad Erickson was reportedly eager to get back to his true passion as a mall Santa Claus and has already begun preparing for the gig by cutting off his ankle monitor."Can't let…
Man Torn Between Learning New Board Game Or Getting PhD In Quantum Physics
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Sources close to local man Bradley Mudd say that the 28-year-old is currently torn between learning a new board game and getting his PhD in quantum physics.Mudd began the internal debate Tuesday, as he began skimming through…
Nice Day Outdoors Drinking With The Boys Keeps Getting Interrupted By Having To Hit Little White Ball
SAN DIEGO, CA — What had started out as a perfectly enjoyable outing with friends turned sour today, as a local man's nice day outdoors drinking with the boys kept getting interrupted by having to hit a little white ball.Kevin Mansfield was…
Woman Brings Home World’s Most Effective, Adorable Alarm Clock
LANSING, MI — Local woman Mildred Donavon reportedly impressed her friends and family this week when she brought home the world's most effective and affordable alarm clock."My new clock wakes me up at the exact time it needs attention,…
Florida Sues Planned Parenthood for Falsely Claiming Abortion is ‘Safer Than Tylenol’
Recently, Florida’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit against Planned Parenthood for falsely advertising chemical abortion as “safer than Tylenol.” The lawsuit alleges Planned Parenthood promoted this claim to sell abortion-inducing drugs, like…
Starbucks Appeals To Men With New Zyn Spice Frappucino
SEATTLE, WA — In an effort to attract more male customers, Starbucks announced the release of its new Zyn Spice Frappuccino.A press release for the new product stated that the drink will come in a variety of flavors, including Cool Mint,…
Abortion’s Lies Exposed By Activist’s Own Bumper Stickers
In a way, the bumper sticker predates the bumper – minus the adhesive. Prior to the advent of Ford’s Model A in 1927 that included the world’s first car bumper, those wanting to communicate a message were known to strap wooden or metal signs…
Taco Bell Worker Not Impressed By Customer’s Excellent Spanish Pronunciation Of ‘Chalupa’
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Local Toco Bell worker Austin Meyers remained unimpressed by a customer's excellent Spanish accent when pronouncing the word ‘chalupa.'Jake Gibson, a frequent Taco Bell customer, arrived this afternoon and proudly…
Mom Needs You To Come Over And Fix Whatever She Did To The TV
U.S. — According to sources, your mom just called because she desperately needs to talk to you. She needs you to come over and fix whatever she did to the TV.Eyewitnesses say the TV just "went black" one day. Your mom tried everything:…
Dodge Introduces New Truck Headlights That Blast Gamma Ray Bursts Into Your Eyeballs
AUBURN HILLS, MI — Truck manufacturer Dodge unveiled new headlights today that would come standard with new models and were designed specifically to blast gamma ray bursts into your eyeballs.After years of extensive research, designers were…