life
Email Does Not Find Man Well
DENVER, CO — Sad reports indicated that a work email sent to a local man on Friday morning did not, in fact, find him well.Sources close to the situation said that Jason McKenzie, a data engineer, received the email shortly after arriving for…
Man’s Depression Once Again Cured By Watching Sam’s Speech From ‘The Two Towers’
PINE BLUFF, AR — In what psychiatrists said can only be described as a true miracle, a man's depression was once again cured by watching Samwise Gamgee's famous speech from the end of The Two Towers, in which Sam encourages the…
Colorado Abortion Clinic Performs Third Trimester Abortions ‘For Any Reason’
A new Colorado abortion clinic offers third trimester abortions “for any reason.” Reproductive Health, Inclusive Care, Support and Empowerment (RISE) Collective describes itself as “one of only a handful of clinics in the country trained to…
‘Surgery Was The Right Call,’ Says Doctor While Handing You A Bill For $450,000
U.S. — You can rest assured that the decision you made was the correct one, as the doctor who just handed you a bill for $450,000 has also informed you that opting for surgery rather than other potential remedies was in your best…
Death Of Awkward Conversation Marked By Simultaneous Drink Sipping
VISALIA, CA — According to sources, an awkward conversation spiraled toward its inevitable end Tuesday, marked by simultaneous drink sipping.Two friends who hadn't seen each other in years attempted to reconnect this week only to discover…
Tragic: Man Runs Out Of Conversation Topics 45 Seconds Into Haircut
KANSAS CITY, MO — Tragedy struck in a local barbershop today, as a man realized just 45 seconds into getting his haircut that he had already run out of all conversation topics.The incident occurred Saturday afternoon at The Upper Cut, as…
17-Year-Old Trick-Or-Treater Dresses Up As 17-Year-Old Wearing a Hoodie
HADDONFIELD, NJ — Reports coming in on Halloween indicated that one 17-year-old trick-or-treater had been sighted making the rounds early in the afternoon dressed up as a 17-year-old wearing a hoodie.According to sources, the young man, later…
Man Longs For Simpler Time Before Grandma Discovered Emojis
MACON, GA — Local man John Gardener expressed longing this week for a simpler, better time before his grandmother learned how to use emojis in texts and social media posts.Though he clarified that he loved his grandmother, Dorothy, dearly, his…
Sad: This Kid’s Uncle Actually Works At Nintendo But No One Will Believe Him
SEATTLE, WA — In a cruel twist of fate, local boy Steven Brent actually has an uncle who works at Nintendo, but no one will believe him because of the popular meme."No, really! I'm not joking! My uncle works at Nintendo. He showed me…
4-Year-Old Rebel Defies Convention And Climbs Up Slide
BORGER, TX — Rebellious four-year-old Brayden Wheeler defied millennia of norms and convention this morning as instead of going down the slide at the playground, he climbed up.A daredevil renegade with an attitude to match, Wheeler posed at the…